I Know I Love You…

I Know I Love You…

I Know I Love You…

The issue is that loving you, may mean I am not loving myself! How do I ensure I have a balance?

This is my question right now and general reflection on love over the years. Having sat with myself and many of my friends, it has made me ponder on the idea of Live and how we Love ourselves first.

Have you ever been in a relation that sometimes feels like a losing game? You love that person, but they don’t even reciprocate the feeling. Or they do, but it is so selfish and unhealthy, it doesn’t appear to be love? Can it be love? Hmmm…I guess that is the question at hand. How can we love someone, who doesn’t love us back? Doesn’t love require that person to acknowledge you, respect you, and appreciate you? To understand how they hurt you. Some of the biggest musical hits sold, are those that sing of love-lost and heartache! Many of us relate to these feelings. Is it then that the biggest question we have to ask therefore, is how much do we really love ourselves, when loving someone is hurting who we are?

I have been in a relation for 32 years. 32 years! That’s a long time to be with someone. It’s a long time to know that person’s darkest secrets and biggest fears. A long time to grow to love that person and value their very authentic beauty. But within that 32 year period, I feel like I haven’t learnt a thing. I mean I have, but I’m once again at the start of a fresh relationship with this person. I am learning to love this person again! I am waking up, with tears of anger, tears of joy and a silent smile of grief and happiness all at the same time. A confusing experience one might say?

I want to live with this person in a peaceful bliss.  I want to appreciate this person like fine wine or good home cooking! I want to see more than outward beauty. I want to kiss the scars and heal the wounds, carry the weight and transmit positive energy.

I am 32 years old! Me…I am 32 years old and have been in a relationship with myself since the day I was born into this world. What is so crazy about this however, is I don’t think I have actually taken time to appreciate this relationship. To sit in silence and listen to my own breath. To see my reflection, but really see me. To be kind and forgiving, loving and authentic, to myself. It’s difficult…we don’t want to be seen as selfish or self-centred. Egotistical or even arrogant. But whom do I live with? Whose shadow do I see every day? Myself.

I am 32 years young and I have decided to start a relationship with myself. I want to dance and not care who is looking! It is all about me…I have spent most of my early adult life, looking for the world to validate me. My insecurities, my fears, my need to feel a sense of belonging. I am not alone in this. I have met a whole range of people who display the same needs, but they present them in different ways. Some of them are not even aware that they have this need. Self-harming daily, in our daily actions, relations, jobs and so forth. Making bad choices in people and surroundings, because we haven’t fallen in love with ourselves in an authentic way or acknowledged why we are behaving the way we are.

I know I keep mentioning this word ‘Authentic’ right? But what does that mean?  It’s funny…in my ‘Grow Your Flowers’ Post, I talk about friends and it was actually one of my girlfriends that first really highlighted this word to me, in the context that I now use it.

Authentic. Authentic defined by Dictionary.com is ‘representing one’s true nature or beliefs; true to oneself or to the person identified’. Yes this word has a few other definitions, depending on the nature in which you use the word, but in relation to what I mean, it’s about being true to yourself.

Life…it’s so interesting. One minute you can literally feel like you are drowning, almost dying inside and the next, you are on cloud nine. The beautiful thing about life, it is like fine wine. You only start to get hindsight and even foresight as you experience more of it. As you bask in your success and your failures! You feel your tears and taste their salt, you bandage that wound and stitch that cut! You smile so hard you feel like your face will crack and laugh so much, you can’t breathe. That’s life. And life brings experience and experience brings growth and growth brings love. So my question is how can you love someone, when they don’t love you back? Is it really love?

They say love doesn’t hurt but that is a lie. Love can hurt and at times will hurt, but I don’t believe love should remain hurting. It isn’t a feeling that one should continue to experience. Yes, love can hurt, when we are disappointed and let down. But it should not be a living feeling. It should not be given life, or air! Experiencing more pain than joy isn’t love. That isn’t living! Do you love yourself because if you did, then why are you sad? Why are you feeling pain regularly? Why are you hurting inside? Why are you living in your shadow? Imagine you invested the same amount of time you have spent in those negative relations, investing in loving yourself. That’s a beautiful picture. Energy is a living thing and we transfer it to one another. If someone isn’t loving you in a healthy way, then why are you transferring energy with them? It’s draining.

No-one was put on this earth to validate you other than God. Our parents were meant to uplift us and teach us how to love and self-heal. Our parents are our foundation in most cases and much of what we mimic and see in our own lives, is a reflection of what we saw in theirs. However it doesn’t always mean they got it right.  The other day I had lunch with a friend and her dad, and in my self-distress, I confessed, I felt there was something wrong with me. I have not always had great success in my boyfriend-girlfriend relationships (not friendships) and even now, like many there are ups and down’s. My friend’s dad stopped me in my tears, and spoke so confidently and said ‘No, There isn’t a single thing wrong with you, what is wrong is the training you received!’ I was silenced…

Many of us for whatever reasons have grown in dysfunction. Now that isn’t to knock our parents again as I said, I am sure they did their best. But sometimes even when we do our best, we still make mistakes. As a result, many of us grow up, not knowing how to self-heal, self-soothe, self-love and most importantly know self-worth. Many of us are crashing into others whom just like us, have had the wrong training and therefore sometimes as a result we end up making a right mess!

I am 32 years young and I have decided to reinvest my time in myself. Not because I am selfish or arrogant or egotistical. No…I have decided that as part of my self-preservation I will love me first always so I can love others better. I will know when I need to say yes and no, and how to reason and be rational.

For me, I have been very fortunate, that I have some amazing friends. My inner circle is secure and supportive, feeding each other in intimate ways.  But the most important relationship, other than the one I have with God, is the one I have with myself. Even in a relationship, we can not fully give, unless we are in-love with ourselves. I therefore encourage you to take time, to nurture you. You are a whole person and not incomplete. You may have made mistakes and fallen down. Dust yourself off and get back on that bike.

You are amazing and do not need anyone else to confirm that or validate it, without knowing it yourself.  False confidence and ego will shatter in the storm. Build who you are and know what you are worthy. Love yourself first always so you can transmit positive, healthy love. Then you will know true love in all it’s beauty. You will feel a re-injection in yourself and if you are in a relationship with your partner, once you both love yourselves from a healthy place.

#NakedEmotions ~MayoandFries 

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