Is it just me, am I the only one. I look around me and most of the people I know have pretty normal, functioning relations with their mums. Don’t get me wrong, yes they have had some turbulent moments but on the whole they have a decent relationship.
For me however it feels strained and no matter what I do to change it, it is just what it is.
I discussed this at therapy this week. My relationship with my mother. Although I hate to admit it, it just isn’t what or where it should be. I can go weeks, even months without speaking to my mum. I feel embarrassed to even utter it but this is my reality. Now before you judge me and judge me you will, it isn’t because I want this type of relationship. It is just after years of trying and constantly feeling rejected, I have just kinda let it go astray. Yes I talk to my mum, but she isn’t my best friend to say the least. I don’t go for advice or even call in for Sunday dinner.
It’s hard to process and one post just merely won’t do but as I attempt to break it down maybe you can understand. I spent most of my twenties, making effort, driving miles to visit my mother, only to be pushed away.
Example One. I drove from Crystal Palace to Cricklewood to surprise my mum on her birthday. I remember it like it was yesterday actually and as I type I feel the tears fill my eyes. I arrived all bright eyed and bubbly. Egger to please my mum on her birthday. I enter and wish her a happy birthday bearing a gift I had brought. My mother as normal was cleaning her already immaculate house. Chit chatting away or at least I was trying to, I just wanted my mum to stop for a moment, embrace the fact that I had driven so far to surprise her and do something for her birthday. A little frustrated I asked my mum to stop cleaning as I had come so far to be with her. My mothers response ‘I didn’t tell you to drive here’. Mother turns her back and continues cleaning. I leave…No follow up phone call and no apology. We don’t speak for a few weeks.
Example Two: I work three years to get a degree at university. I manage to get a First Class Honours. Pat on the back to me. Lot’s of hard work, sleepless nights and no social gatherings. Graduation day. Mother does not attend. Cant take day off work. (This was by choice may I add).
I know it may not sound like much and with two simple and silly examples its hard to convey. I could go onto detail and list more but this isn’t that type of post. Really I just want to convey my emotions and actually how much it hurts. This isn’t the relationship I want. I love family. I am the one who throws BBQ’s, Parties and Family Events. My Family are part of my heartbeat. But I have pretty much spent the best part of my life or at least 50% trying to gain the affection, approval, recognition of achievement from my mother.
As a child we all seek approval by those we value. To know it is okay to be who we are. To get that pat on the back. I understand that my own mother has had a challenged up bringing and it is hard to give what you have never experiences, but then I also feel like it is a choice. I choose to tell my son EVERY SINGLE DAY that I love him. I apologise for my flaws and I take on board how he feels. Now by no means have I got this parenting thing down, that is a whole different post and different therapy session (I am battling with anger management and outbursts) but I am trying. I just want to see my mother try. I feel like she knows that our relationship isn’t what it should be but she just doesn’t try.
I guess I should pray about it. I know that it sits heavy on my chest and it’s an issue that isn’t going away. Maybe I will have more positive updates but for now this is what it is. I do fear that time will past and life will continue. In the event that something happened, it will be one of my biggest regrets. Not having the relationship I want. I am trying to let go of the hurt, forgive the injustice and emphases with my mothers pain and struggles but every time I make a break through something happens to bring it all back. Maybe tomorrow will be better. xoxo