Without Love we are Nothing…

Without Love we are Nothing…but where we get love, is what we are yet to explore!

This wasn’t the journey I had foreseen when I looked into my future as a little girl. I did not see the obstacles that lay before me, nor the challenges that I would face. I guess you could say I lived in my own bubble, I made choices but didn’t really understand the consequences.

Sometimes I find myself day-dreaming about the ‘mistakes’ I think I have made. Replaying what happened and what didn’t happen, sometimes over and over again, thinking if I had only done ‘XYZ’ differently, I would have had a different outcome. The thing about that is… Continue reading “Without Love we are Nothing…”

‘Grow the Flowers’…Pluck the Weeds.

Something I have learned in life is that your circle of friends are very important. My mother use to always say ‘Show me your friends and I’ll show you your character’. As we walk our journey we meet people along the way. It’s funny as we never pay attention to red flags or warnings when we are thinking of friends. Most people never assess if we need our armour on or not, when making friends that is. It isn’t a boyfriend-girlfriend type of situation is it, right? However as I emerge into my thirties, I can easily reflect on different periods of my life where the people and company I have chosen to keep, maybe where not right for me or my character.

Previously I have said I am 32 years old, but actually I am 32 years young! Because if I have learnt anything so far, is that what you think you know you don’t really know. Life is an ever evolving learning curve and each chapter of your life, opens new learnt experiences! As we walk through this journey, the people we keep around us may exert great influence. Some of us are strong and know who we are, but others, well we need a little help and support. If we choose the ‘weeds’ then their influence can be soul destroying.

My moto is ‘Be Careful of the Weeds but Grow the Flowers’. Anyone who knows me personally knows I invest in my friendships. They are my extended family. They are my support network, my laugh or cry type of company. My Peoples, My Peeps! I’m transparent! I wear my feelings on my sleeves, but I am also highly sensitive. Strong and confident.

I have great friends, but I have also met some unpleasant people, for which our time together was but for a season. Sometimes these seasons have been meaningful to teach me a lesson, however other times they have been self-destructive. People pray on the meek and at times, during, my growth I have been naive and vulnerable to others. For someone like me, it has caused some deep wounds. I absorb the world. I have done so since I was a child. I feel other people’s pain and I make their battles my own. Now there is nothing wrong with these qualities, demonstrated in the right way, and for the right friends. But I am now more experienced and mindful about whom I extend such care towards in such an intimate way. I guard my home and my heart.

Grow your flowers and know who they are. Sometimes we misplace our trust and sometimes we cast aside those that will be your closes friend. It can sometimes be easier to walk away, but it harder to build. Your foundation in life, will set the tone for the infrastructure you build. Friends are like flowers. They need water and shade. Don’t believe what you see on TV, this throw away generation. The lack of loyalty and commitment. Your journey ahead may already have a few challenges, and trust me when I say, it will be those that are around you, whom will help you get through!

#NakedEmotions #MayoandFries 

All Contents Copyright © 2016

Open Me Up 

Open me up my love, open me up. I know I seem hard and concealed. Like an onion I need to be peeled. Complexity is my middle name and emotion is my brother. Too many years of baggage and lack of healing, dealing, but rather only revealing what I want the world to see and know.

Loneliness is my friend. I embrace it so well. Remaining silent and keeping a distance. It’s safe that way. I’m safe.

Open me up my love, open me up. See my scars and hear my pain. Help me to release this burden. Help me tell my story. A story you have heard a million times from those before me. Let me cry and cry, release the weight.

Open up, let me open up. The light is coming, I feel the pleasure, the freedom. Hear my heart my dear, let the beat set the rhythm. Let me tell my deepest secrets, let this be my song. A beautiful melody. Hear my heart, see my cry, know my words, before they leave my mouth.

Looking at a picture of a child I use to be, I wonder how I came to see. The world in the way I do, no longer flashing lights of opportunity but a long of a lost glory.

Open me up my dear, open me up. Let me fly like a bird, let my voice no longer be silenced but be heard. Let me tell my story and reach tomorrows glory.

#NakedEmotions ~MayoandFries 

All Contents Copyright © 2016

Mothers…

Is it just me, am I the only one. I look around me and most of the people I know have pretty normal, functioning relations with their mums. Don’t get me wrong, yes they have had some turbulent moments but on the whole they have a decent relationship.

mothers and daughters

For me however it feels strained and no matter what I do to change it, it is just what it is.

I discussed this at therapy this week. My relationship with my mother. Although I hate to admit it, it just isn’t what or where it should be. I can go weeks, even months without speaking to my mum. I feel embarrassed to even utter it but this is my reality. Now before you judge me and judge me you will, it isn’t because I want this type of relationship. It is just after years of trying and constantly feeling rejected, I have just kinda let it go astray. Yes I talk to my mum, but she isn’t my best friend to say the least. I don’t go for advice or even call in for Sunday dinner.

It’s hard to process and one post just merely won’t do but as I attempt to break it down maybe you can understand. I spent most of my twenties, making effort, driving miles to visit my mother, only to be pushed away.

Example One. I drove from Crystal Palace to Cricklewood to surprise my mum on her birthday. I remember it like it was yesterday actually and as I type I feel the tears fill my eyes. I arrived all bright eyed and bubbly. Egger to please my mum on her birthday. I enter and wish her a happy birthday bearing a gift I had brought. My mother as normal was cleaning her already immaculate house. Chit chatting away or at least I was trying to, I just wanted my mum to stop for a moment, embrace the fact that I had driven so far to surprise her and do something for her birthday. A little frustrated I asked my mum to stop cleaning as I had come so far to be with her. My mothers response ‘I didn’t tell you to drive here’. Mother turns her back and continues cleaning. I leave…No follow up phone call and no apology. We don’t speak for a few weeks.

Example Two: I work three years to get a degree at university. I manage to get a First Class Honours. Pat on the back to me. Lot’s of hard work, sleepless nights and no social gatherings. Graduation day. Mother does not attend. Cant take day off work. (This was by choice may I add).

I know it may not sound like much and with two simple and silly examples its hard to convey. I could go onto detail and list more but this isn’t that type of post. Really I just want to convey my emotions and actually how much it hurts. This isn’t the relationship I want. I love family. I am the one who throws BBQ’s, Parties and Family Events. My Family are part of my heartbeat. But I have pretty much spent the best part of my life or at least 50% trying to gain the affection, approval, recognition of achievement from my mother.

As a child we all seek approval by those we value. To know it is okay to be who we are. To get that pat on the back. I understand that my own mother has had a challenged up bringing and it is hard to give what you have never experiences, but then I also feel like it is a choice. I choose to tell my son EVERY SINGLE DAY that I love him. I apologise for my flaws and I take on board how he feels. Now by no means have I got this parenting thing down, that is a whole different post and different therapy session (I am battling with anger management and outbursts) but I am trying. I just want to see my mother try. I feel like she knows that our relationship isn’t what it should be but she just doesn’t try.

I guess I should pray about it. I know that it sits heavy on my chest and it’s an issue that isn’t going away. Maybe I will have more positive updates but for now this is what it is. I do fear that time will past and life will continue. In the event that something happened, it will be one of my biggest regrets. Not having the relationship I want. I am trying to let go of the hurt, forgive the injustice and emphases with my mothers pain and struggles but every time I make a break through something happens to bring it all back.  Maybe tomorrow will be better. xoxo

#NakedEmotions ~MayoandFries 

I Know I Love You…

I Know I Love You…

I Know I Love You…

The issue is that loving you, may mean I am not loving myself! How do I ensure I have a balance?

This is my question right now and general reflection on love over the years. Having sat with myself and many of my friends, it has made me ponder on the idea of Live and how we Love ourselves first.

Have you ever been in a relation that sometimes feels like a losing game? You love that person, but they don’t even reciprocate the feeling. Or they do, but it is so selfish and unhealthy, it doesn’t appear to be love? Can it be love? Hmmm…I guess that is the question at hand. How can we love someone, who doesn’t love us back? Doesn’t love require that person to acknowledge you, respect you, and appreciate you? To understand how they hurt you. Some of the biggest musical hits sold, are those that sing of love-lost and heartache! Many of us relate to these feelings. Is it then that the biggest question we have to ask therefore, is how much do we really love ourselves, when loving someone is hurting who we are?

I have been in a relation for 32 years. 32 years! That’s a long time to be with someone. It’s a long time to know that person’s darkest secrets and biggest fears. A long time to grow to love that person and value their very authentic beauty. But within that 32 year period, I feel like I haven’t learnt a thing. I mean I have, but I’m once again at the start of a fresh relationship with this person. I am learning to love this person again! I am waking up, with tears of anger, tears of joy and a silent smile of grief and happiness all at the same time. A confusing experience one might say?

I want to live with this person in a peaceful bliss.  I want to appreciate this person like fine wine or good home cooking! I want to see more than outward beauty. I want to kiss the scars and heal the wounds, carry the weight and transmit positive energy.

I am 32 years old! Me…I am 32 years old and have been in a relationship with myself since the day I was born into this world. What is so crazy about this however, is I don’t think I have actually taken time to appreciate this relationship. To sit in silence and listen to my own breath. To see my reflection, but really see me. To be kind and forgiving, loving and authentic, to myself. It’s difficult…we don’t want to be seen as selfish or self-centred. Egotistical or even arrogant. But whom do I live with? Whose shadow do I see every day? Myself.

I am 32 years young and I have decided to start a relationship with myself. I want to dance and not care who is looking! It is all about me…I have spent most of my early adult life, looking for the world to validate me. My insecurities, my fears, my need to feel a sense of belonging. I am not alone in this. I have met a whole range of people who display the same needs, but they present them in different ways. Some of them are not even aware that they have this need. Self-harming daily, in our daily actions, relations, jobs and so forth. Making bad choices in people and surroundings, because we haven’t fallen in love with ourselves in an authentic way or acknowledged why we are behaving the way we are.

I know I keep mentioning this word ‘Authentic’ right? But what does that mean?  It’s funny…in my ‘Grow Your Flowers’ Post, I talk about friends and it was actually one of my girlfriends that first really highlighted this word to me, in the context that I now use it.

Authentic. Authentic defined by Dictionary.com is ‘representing one’s true nature or beliefs; true to oneself or to the person identified’. Yes this word has a few other definitions, depending on the nature in which you use the word, but in relation to what I mean, it’s about being true to yourself.

Life…it’s so interesting. One minute you can literally feel like you are drowning, almost dying inside and the next, you are on cloud nine. The beautiful thing about life, it is like fine wine. You only start to get hindsight and even foresight as you experience more of it. As you bask in your success and your failures! You feel your tears and taste their salt, you bandage that wound and stitch that cut! You smile so hard you feel like your face will crack and laugh so much, you can’t breathe. That’s life. And life brings experience and experience brings growth and growth brings love. So my question is how can you love someone, when they don’t love you back? Is it really love?

They say love doesn’t hurt but that is a lie. Love can hurt and at times will hurt, but I don’t believe love should remain hurting. It isn’t a feeling that one should continue to experience. Yes, love can hurt, when we are disappointed and let down. But it should not be a living feeling. It should not be given life, or air! Experiencing more pain than joy isn’t love. That isn’t living! Do you love yourself because if you did, then why are you sad? Why are you feeling pain regularly? Why are you hurting inside? Why are you living in your shadow? Imagine you invested the same amount of time you have spent in those negative relations, investing in loving yourself. That’s a beautiful picture. Energy is a living thing and we transfer it to one another. If someone isn’t loving you in a healthy way, then why are you transferring energy with them? It’s draining.

No-one was put on this earth to validate you other than God. Our parents were meant to uplift us and teach us how to love and self-heal. Our parents are our foundation in most cases and much of what we mimic and see in our own lives, is a reflection of what we saw in theirs. However it doesn’t always mean they got it right.  The other day I had lunch with a friend and her dad, and in my self-distress, I confessed, I felt there was something wrong with me. I have not always had great success in my boyfriend-girlfriend relationships (not friendships) and even now, like many there are ups and down’s. My friend’s dad stopped me in my tears, and spoke so confidently and said ‘No, There isn’t a single thing wrong with you, what is wrong is the training you received!’ I was silenced…

Many of us for whatever reasons have grown in dysfunction. Now that isn’t to knock our parents again as I said, I am sure they did their best. But sometimes even when we do our best, we still make mistakes. As a result, many of us grow up, not knowing how to self-heal, self-soothe, self-love and most importantly know self-worth. Many of us are crashing into others whom just like us, have had the wrong training and therefore sometimes as a result we end up making a right mess!

I am 32 years young and I have decided to reinvest my time in myself. Not because I am selfish or arrogant or egotistical. No…I have decided that as part of my self-preservation I will love me first always so I can love others better. I will know when I need to say yes and no, and how to reason and be rational.

For me, I have been very fortunate, that I have some amazing friends. My inner circle is secure and supportive, feeding each other in intimate ways.  But the most important relationship, other than the one I have with God, is the one I have with myself. Even in a relationship, we can not fully give, unless we are in-love with ourselves. I therefore encourage you to take time, to nurture you. You are a whole person and not incomplete. You may have made mistakes and fallen down. Dust yourself off and get back on that bike.

You are amazing and do not need anyone else to confirm that or validate it, without knowing it yourself.  False confidence and ego will shatter in the storm. Build who you are and know what you are worthy. Love yourself first always so you can transmit positive, healthy love. Then you will know true love in all it’s beauty. You will feel a re-injection in yourself and if you are in a relationship with your partner, once you both love yourselves from a healthy place.

#NakedEmotions ~MayoandFries 

All Contents Copyright © 2016