Loving Yourself and Fight the Pattern!

Loving Myself and Fighting My Pattern…

Sitting at my desk, normally bright eyed and bubbly, I am haunted with the idea of regret. The ideas of yesterday and the longing for what has already come to past. I know that this isn’t a place that one should live, nor reside in for long, as we all know, we cannot change what has come to past. However I can’t help but feel a sense of let down by myself. That feeling that I didn’t do all that I know I am capable of. This makes me feel empty and hollow inside.

Knowing that time stands still for no-one, I fear that today and tomorrow this feeling will remain. What a waste of life, if I don’t fulfill my potential. All that I know I can achieve. I mean, have you ever had that feeling that overwhelms, that you know you are capable of so much more, but still you remain in this circle of repetitive existence. Work, home, friends, and family. Over and over again. Now normally I would relish this and don’t get me wrong, I love it secretly, but I also long for that excitement. The adventure of life. Walking on the edge.

love yourself heart

Hmm…

Is this me feeling a little old?

Is this me, missing my youth or at least that feeling of not having to take life seriously?

Maybe it’s a sign I am not living or at least I have become a bit complacence. I know this feeling stems from somewhere and I HATE IT. This means I need to bring change. I need to bring my A-Game! I know that there is so much life to still live. Maybe my years before were so drained I have forgotten that inner joy within me. The one that bursts with life and adrenaline.

I guess this is also why I started my blog. I want to do things differently. I know I struggle with consistency and commitment to see things through. I often pick up new fads and find myself switching between things. I have previously been a serial job hopper and generally find it hard to stay rooted. I have moved more than twenty times in my life and FOUR times in the last FIVE years. Life has thrown me some unbalance but I guess I need to focus on staying grounded in the midst of turbulence. I know within me there is greatness. You may not see it immediately, but I know deep down inside the core of my soul that I am not living to my full potential. I am existing and not utilising the gifts and blessings I have been granted with. I want more but not because I am materialistic or desire monetary rewards, but that feeling of completion! Like I feel a sense of satisfaction, that I have completed a task and met myself! I have Met Myself!!!

love yourself words

I recently started running and I actually love it. I don’t know why or how that even happened, as I previously loathed such a task. But I guess running has given me that space to be free in my own thoughts, and to also push myself beyond my limits. I started in January and love it but have had some setbacks. I can be lazy and I have lost focus. I also have a back injury so do have to take it easy. But I hear myself shout excuses! Excuses!!! Wake your ass up and go runI haven’t run for a month and half…first it was my back as I triggered my slipped disc, so I had to rest it and now it’s just me, letting me down! My back is back to normal or as normal as it can be, and I still haven’t put on my running shoes!

Now I know it isn’t that big of a deal really. Just get back out there with your running shoes I hear you say. But for me it is A BIG DEAL…this is what I do. I just lose focus. I start with so much drive and then I slip. However this is where the change will come, MUST COME. I am aware of it! I am. So tomorrow I will wake up and put on those running shoes! I will run because in doing so I am meeting myself and challenging my cycle of pattern. I will show myself that I can be more. I can be committed. I can see it through. I can break this pattern of behavior I have developed since teenage-hood. This throw away lifestyle! This is me meeting myself as silly and  as strange as it may seem. I won’t torture myself with regret and disappointment because I fell off course! No! Not anymore. I am amazing and I have the potential!love yourself

I will walk, I will run and I will see it through. I have this habit of beating me up. Beating myself up to the point there is nothing left. I don’t fear others but fear myself. I am my own critic. I am the one who will destroy all that is good…within me. I wasn’t taught to see the good in myself, so I am teaching me now. I am teaching me, how to love myself. Slowly and intimately, I take sip after sip, feeding love into my life. Positive complements. I acknowledge the negative thoughts. I can’t not, but I am trying to process them. Process the disappointment and understand where it comes from. Why do I…dare I say it…hate me sometimes. Hate who I am… maybe because I haven’t learnt to love me and to also embrace me, when I fall down rather than repetitively bash myself for the fall. It’s a hard stance and hard journey to say the least.

We develop these patterns of behavior and to change them is a massive challenge. I find it sometimes too much, but I am determined. So until next time, pray for me, cheer for me and for all those souls that have been damaged on the way up and need peace, love and encouragement. Be good to those around you, as you don’t know behind that smile or those eyes the demons they are fighting internally, let alone externally.

#NakedEmotions #MayoandFries 

All Contents Copyright © 2016

Mothers…

Is it just me, am I the only one. I look around me and most of the people I know have pretty normal, functioning relations with their mums. Don’t get me wrong, yes they have had some turbulent moments but on the whole they have a decent relationship.

mothers and daughters

For me however it feels strained and no matter what I do to change it, it is just what it is.

I discussed this at therapy this week. My relationship with my mother. Although I hate to admit it, it just isn’t what or where it should be. I can go weeks, even months without speaking to my mum. I feel embarrassed to even utter it but this is my reality. Now before you judge me and judge me you will, it isn’t because I want this type of relationship. It is just after years of trying and constantly feeling rejected, I have just kinda let it go astray. Yes I talk to my mum, but she isn’t my best friend to say the least. I don’t go for advice or even call in for Sunday dinner.

It’s hard to process and one post just merely won’t do but as I attempt to break it down maybe you can understand. I spent most of my twenties, making effort, driving miles to visit my mother, only to be pushed away.

Example One. I drove from Crystal Palace to Cricklewood to surprise my mum on her birthday. I remember it like it was yesterday actually and as I type I feel the tears fill my eyes. I arrived all bright eyed and bubbly. Egger to please my mum on her birthday. I enter and wish her a happy birthday bearing a gift I had brought. My mother as normal was cleaning her already immaculate house. Chit chatting away or at least I was trying to, I just wanted my mum to stop for a moment, embrace the fact that I had driven so far to surprise her and do something for her birthday. A little frustrated I asked my mum to stop cleaning as I had come so far to be with her. My mothers response ‘I didn’t tell you to drive here’. Mother turns her back and continues cleaning. I leave…No follow up phone call and no apology. We don’t speak for a few weeks.

Example Two: I work three years to get a degree at university. I manage to get a First Class Honours. Pat on the back to me. Lot’s of hard work, sleepless nights and no social gatherings. Graduation day. Mother does not attend. Cant take day off work. (This was by choice may I add).

I know it may not sound like much and with two simple and silly examples its hard to convey. I could go onto detail and list more but this isn’t that type of post. Really I just want to convey my emotions and actually how much it hurts. This isn’t the relationship I want. I love family. I am the one who throws BBQ’s, Parties and Family Events. My Family are part of my heartbeat. But I have pretty much spent the best part of my life or at least 50% trying to gain the affection, approval, recognition of achievement from my mother.

As a child we all seek approval by those we value. To know it is okay to be who we are. To get that pat on the back. I understand that my own mother has had a challenged up bringing and it is hard to give what you have never experiences, but then I also feel like it is a choice. I choose to tell my son EVERY SINGLE DAY that I love him. I apologise for my flaws and I take on board how he feels. Now by no means have I got this parenting thing down, that is a whole different post and different therapy session (I am battling with anger management and outbursts) but I am trying. I just want to see my mother try. I feel like she knows that our relationship isn’t what it should be but she just doesn’t try.

I guess I should pray about it. I know that it sits heavy on my chest and it’s an issue that isn’t going away. Maybe I will have more positive updates but for now this is what it is. I do fear that time will past and life will continue. In the event that something happened, it will be one of my biggest regrets. Not having the relationship I want. I am trying to let go of the hurt, forgive the injustice and emphases with my mothers pain and struggles but every time I make a break through something happens to bring it all back.  Maybe tomorrow will be better. xoxo

#NakedEmotions ~MayoandFries 

#2016!

Can you believe it. What an epic journey thus far. Its the beginning of a new time for me. Not a New Year resolution, but actually a journey to self-discovery, self-healing and self-reflection. Most importantly however, it’s the start of IMPLEMENTATION!

See we can all make these New Year Resolutions, and to be honest many of us have good intentions. This year has to be different I have decided. It’s not really an option but more a mandatory requirement.

time for change

I am now a 32 Year Old Women! hmmm… even saying it like that feels a bit overwhelming. Gone is the teenage girl whom was lost and self-destructive, then the determined self-motivator! Gone is the girl whom self-tortured over and over again, my own mental state of expectations. This year has to be different! It must as I can no longer survive on the template I have already demonstrated numerous times.

I often hear myself say ‘wow why is life really this hard?’ and it’s not that it’s always hard but I have decided it is because I have lacked the tools. I want the path to a new enlightenment, one where I am not self-destructing, or feeling inadequate, one where self-love is the key to my heart. So this blog is a about recording my journey, the tears, the happiness, and the learning process I will seek to explore in pursuit of self-actualization.

I am currently hooked on James Bay, Hold Back the River! I love the build up of the melody. The simplistic start to the instruments. One would assume he is talking about a female. But take the lyrics and transform them.  This song could be about anything.  For me this song is screaming out, how I have tried to keep myself in control, I have tried to control LIFE! Interesting, as life CANNOT be controlled! Life just Happens!

‘Hold back the river let me look in your eyes!’

Let me stare life in the face, my fears in the face, my ups and my downs in the face, my self-destruction, my self-pleasing, my imperfections! We all have it. I am an idealistic person and as a result self-failure in my eyes it’s VERY difficult for me to process. As I take you through my mind and my journey in this thing called life, you can form your own opinion, but know I am a harsh critic of myself and generous with others!

#NakedEmotions #MayoandFries 

All Contents Copyright © 2016