Without Love we are Nothing…

Without Love we are Nothing…but where we get love, is what we are yet to explore!

This wasn’t the journey I had foreseen when I looked into my future as a little girl. I did not see the obstacles that lay before me, nor the challenges that I would face. I guess you could say I lived in my own bubble, I made choices but didn’t really understand the consequences.

Sometimes I find myself day-dreaming about the ‘mistakes’ I think I have made. Replaying what happened and what didn’t happen, sometimes over and over again, thinking if I had only done ‘XYZ’ differently, I would have had a different outcome. The thing about that is… Continue reading “Without Love we are Nothing…”

Loving Yourself and Fight the Pattern!

Loving Myself and Fighting My Pattern…

Sitting at my desk, normally bright eyed and bubbly, I am haunted with the idea of regret. The ideas of yesterday and the longing for what has already come to past. I know that this isn’t a place that one should live, nor reside in for long, as we all know, we cannot change what has come to past. However I can’t help but feel a sense of let down by myself. That feeling that I didn’t do all that I know I am capable of. This makes me feel empty and hollow inside.

Knowing that time stands still for no-one, I fear that today and tomorrow this feeling will remain. What a waste of life, if I don’t fulfill my potential. All that I know I can achieve. I mean, have you ever had that feeling that overwhelms, that you know you are capable of so much more, but still you remain in this circle of repetitive existence. Work, home, friends, and family. Over and over again. Now normally I would relish this and don’t get me wrong, I love it secretly, but I also long for that excitement. The adventure of life. Walking on the edge.

love yourself heart

Hmm…

Is this me feeling a little old?

Is this me, missing my youth or at least that feeling of not having to take life seriously?

Maybe it’s a sign I am not living or at least I have become a bit complacence. I know this feeling stems from somewhere and I HATE IT. This means I need to bring change. I need to bring my A-Game! I know that there is so much life to still live. Maybe my years before were so drained I have forgotten that inner joy within me. The one that bursts with life and adrenaline.

I guess this is also why I started my blog. I want to do things differently. I know I struggle with consistency and commitment to see things through. I often pick up new fads and find myself switching between things. I have previously been a serial job hopper and generally find it hard to stay rooted. I have moved more than twenty times in my life and FOUR times in the last FIVE years. Life has thrown me some unbalance but I guess I need to focus on staying grounded in the midst of turbulence. I know within me there is greatness. You may not see it immediately, but I know deep down inside the core of my soul that I am not living to my full potential. I am existing and not utilising the gifts and blessings I have been granted with. I want more but not because I am materialistic or desire monetary rewards, but that feeling of completion! Like I feel a sense of satisfaction, that I have completed a task and met myself! I have Met Myself!!!

love yourself words

I recently started running and I actually love it. I don’t know why or how that even happened, as I previously loathed such a task. But I guess running has given me that space to be free in my own thoughts, and to also push myself beyond my limits. I started in January and love it but have had some setbacks. I can be lazy and I have lost focus. I also have a back injury so do have to take it easy. But I hear myself shout excuses! Excuses!!! Wake your ass up and go runI haven’t run for a month and half…first it was my back as I triggered my slipped disc, so I had to rest it and now it’s just me, letting me down! My back is back to normal or as normal as it can be, and I still haven’t put on my running shoes!

Now I know it isn’t that big of a deal really. Just get back out there with your running shoes I hear you say. But for me it is A BIG DEAL…this is what I do. I just lose focus. I start with so much drive and then I slip. However this is where the change will come, MUST COME. I am aware of it! I am. So tomorrow I will wake up and put on those running shoes! I will run because in doing so I am meeting myself and challenging my cycle of pattern. I will show myself that I can be more. I can be committed. I can see it through. I can break this pattern of behavior I have developed since teenage-hood. This throw away lifestyle! This is me meeting myself as silly and  as strange as it may seem. I won’t torture myself with regret and disappointment because I fell off course! No! Not anymore. I am amazing and I have the potential!love yourself

I will walk, I will run and I will see it through. I have this habit of beating me up. Beating myself up to the point there is nothing left. I don’t fear others but fear myself. I am my own critic. I am the one who will destroy all that is good…within me. I wasn’t taught to see the good in myself, so I am teaching me now. I am teaching me, how to love myself. Slowly and intimately, I take sip after sip, feeding love into my life. Positive complements. I acknowledge the negative thoughts. I can’t not, but I am trying to process them. Process the disappointment and understand where it comes from. Why do I…dare I say it…hate me sometimes. Hate who I am… maybe because I haven’t learnt to love me and to also embrace me, when I fall down rather than repetitively bash myself for the fall. It’s a hard stance and hard journey to say the least.

We develop these patterns of behavior and to change them is a massive challenge. I find it sometimes too much, but I am determined. So until next time, pray for me, cheer for me and for all those souls that have been damaged on the way up and need peace, love and encouragement. Be good to those around you, as you don’t know behind that smile or those eyes the demons they are fighting internally, let alone externally.

#NakedEmotions #MayoandFries 

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Mothers…

Is it just me, am I the only one. I look around me and most of the people I know have pretty normal, functioning relations with their mums. Don’t get me wrong, yes they have had some turbulent moments but on the whole they have a decent relationship.

mothers and daughters

For me however it feels strained and no matter what I do to change it, it is just what it is.

I discussed this at therapy this week. My relationship with my mother. Although I hate to admit it, it just isn’t what or where it should be. I can go weeks, even months without speaking to my mum. I feel embarrassed to even utter it but this is my reality. Now before you judge me and judge me you will, it isn’t because I want this type of relationship. It is just after years of trying and constantly feeling rejected, I have just kinda let it go astray. Yes I talk to my mum, but she isn’t my best friend to say the least. I don’t go for advice or even call in for Sunday dinner.

It’s hard to process and one post just merely won’t do but as I attempt to break it down maybe you can understand. I spent most of my twenties, making effort, driving miles to visit my mother, only to be pushed away.

Example One. I drove from Crystal Palace to Cricklewood to surprise my mum on her birthday. I remember it like it was yesterday actually and as I type I feel the tears fill my eyes. I arrived all bright eyed and bubbly. Egger to please my mum on her birthday. I enter and wish her a happy birthday bearing a gift I had brought. My mother as normal was cleaning her already immaculate house. Chit chatting away or at least I was trying to, I just wanted my mum to stop for a moment, embrace the fact that I had driven so far to surprise her and do something for her birthday. A little frustrated I asked my mum to stop cleaning as I had come so far to be with her. My mothers response ‘I didn’t tell you to drive here’. Mother turns her back and continues cleaning. I leave…No follow up phone call and no apology. We don’t speak for a few weeks.

Example Two: I work three years to get a degree at university. I manage to get a First Class Honours. Pat on the back to me. Lot’s of hard work, sleepless nights and no social gatherings. Graduation day. Mother does not attend. Cant take day off work. (This was by choice may I add).

I know it may not sound like much and with two simple and silly examples its hard to convey. I could go onto detail and list more but this isn’t that type of post. Really I just want to convey my emotions and actually how much it hurts. This isn’t the relationship I want. I love family. I am the one who throws BBQ’s, Parties and Family Events. My Family are part of my heartbeat. But I have pretty much spent the best part of my life or at least 50% trying to gain the affection, approval, recognition of achievement from my mother.

As a child we all seek approval by those we value. To know it is okay to be who we are. To get that pat on the back. I understand that my own mother has had a challenged up bringing and it is hard to give what you have never experiences, but then I also feel like it is a choice. I choose to tell my son EVERY SINGLE DAY that I love him. I apologise for my flaws and I take on board how he feels. Now by no means have I got this parenting thing down, that is a whole different post and different therapy session (I am battling with anger management and outbursts) but I am trying. I just want to see my mother try. I feel like she knows that our relationship isn’t what it should be but she just doesn’t try.

I guess I should pray about it. I know that it sits heavy on my chest and it’s an issue that isn’t going away. Maybe I will have more positive updates but for now this is what it is. I do fear that time will past and life will continue. In the event that something happened, it will be one of my biggest regrets. Not having the relationship I want. I am trying to let go of the hurt, forgive the injustice and emphases with my mothers pain and struggles but every time I make a break through something happens to bring it all back.  Maybe tomorrow will be better. xoxo

#NakedEmotions ~MayoandFries 

I Know I Love You…

I Know I Love You…

I Know I Love You…

The issue is that loving you, may mean I am not loving myself! How do I ensure I have a balance?

This is my question right now and general reflection on love over the years. Having sat with myself and many of my friends, it has made me ponder on the idea of Live and how we Love ourselves first.

Have you ever been in a relation that sometimes feels like a losing game? You love that person, but they don’t even reciprocate the feeling. Or they do, but it is so selfish and unhealthy, it doesn’t appear to be love? Can it be love? Hmmm…I guess that is the question at hand. How can we love someone, who doesn’t love us back? Doesn’t love require that person to acknowledge you, respect you, and appreciate you? To understand how they hurt you. Some of the biggest musical hits sold, are those that sing of love-lost and heartache! Many of us relate to these feelings. Is it then that the biggest question we have to ask therefore, is how much do we really love ourselves, when loving someone is hurting who we are?

I have been in a relation for 32 years. 32 years! That’s a long time to be with someone. It’s a long time to know that person’s darkest secrets and biggest fears. A long time to grow to love that person and value their very authentic beauty. But within that 32 year period, I feel like I haven’t learnt a thing. I mean I have, but I’m once again at the start of a fresh relationship with this person. I am learning to love this person again! I am waking up, with tears of anger, tears of joy and a silent smile of grief and happiness all at the same time. A confusing experience one might say?

I want to live with this person in a peaceful bliss.  I want to appreciate this person like fine wine or good home cooking! I want to see more than outward beauty. I want to kiss the scars and heal the wounds, carry the weight and transmit positive energy.

I am 32 years old! Me…I am 32 years old and have been in a relationship with myself since the day I was born into this world. What is so crazy about this however, is I don’t think I have actually taken time to appreciate this relationship. To sit in silence and listen to my own breath. To see my reflection, but really see me. To be kind and forgiving, loving and authentic, to myself. It’s difficult…we don’t want to be seen as selfish or self-centred. Egotistical or even arrogant. But whom do I live with? Whose shadow do I see every day? Myself.

I am 32 years young and I have decided to start a relationship with myself. I want to dance and not care who is looking! It is all about me…I have spent most of my early adult life, looking for the world to validate me. My insecurities, my fears, my need to feel a sense of belonging. I am not alone in this. I have met a whole range of people who display the same needs, but they present them in different ways. Some of them are not even aware that they have this need. Self-harming daily, in our daily actions, relations, jobs and so forth. Making bad choices in people and surroundings, because we haven’t fallen in love with ourselves in an authentic way or acknowledged why we are behaving the way we are.

I know I keep mentioning this word ‘Authentic’ right? But what does that mean?  It’s funny…in my ‘Grow Your Flowers’ Post, I talk about friends and it was actually one of my girlfriends that first really highlighted this word to me, in the context that I now use it.

Authentic. Authentic defined by Dictionary.com is ‘representing one’s true nature or beliefs; true to oneself or to the person identified’. Yes this word has a few other definitions, depending on the nature in which you use the word, but in relation to what I mean, it’s about being true to yourself.

Life…it’s so interesting. One minute you can literally feel like you are drowning, almost dying inside and the next, you are on cloud nine. The beautiful thing about life, it is like fine wine. You only start to get hindsight and even foresight as you experience more of it. As you bask in your success and your failures! You feel your tears and taste their salt, you bandage that wound and stitch that cut! You smile so hard you feel like your face will crack and laugh so much, you can’t breathe. That’s life. And life brings experience and experience brings growth and growth brings love. So my question is how can you love someone, when they don’t love you back? Is it really love?

They say love doesn’t hurt but that is a lie. Love can hurt and at times will hurt, but I don’t believe love should remain hurting. It isn’t a feeling that one should continue to experience. Yes, love can hurt, when we are disappointed and let down. But it should not be a living feeling. It should not be given life, or air! Experiencing more pain than joy isn’t love. That isn’t living! Do you love yourself because if you did, then why are you sad? Why are you feeling pain regularly? Why are you hurting inside? Why are you living in your shadow? Imagine you invested the same amount of time you have spent in those negative relations, investing in loving yourself. That’s a beautiful picture. Energy is a living thing and we transfer it to one another. If someone isn’t loving you in a healthy way, then why are you transferring energy with them? It’s draining.

No-one was put on this earth to validate you other than God. Our parents were meant to uplift us and teach us how to love and self-heal. Our parents are our foundation in most cases and much of what we mimic and see in our own lives, is a reflection of what we saw in theirs. However it doesn’t always mean they got it right.  The other day I had lunch with a friend and her dad, and in my self-distress, I confessed, I felt there was something wrong with me. I have not always had great success in my boyfriend-girlfriend relationships (not friendships) and even now, like many there are ups and down’s. My friend’s dad stopped me in my tears, and spoke so confidently and said ‘No, There isn’t a single thing wrong with you, what is wrong is the training you received!’ I was silenced…

Many of us for whatever reasons have grown in dysfunction. Now that isn’t to knock our parents again as I said, I am sure they did their best. But sometimes even when we do our best, we still make mistakes. As a result, many of us grow up, not knowing how to self-heal, self-soothe, self-love and most importantly know self-worth. Many of us are crashing into others whom just like us, have had the wrong training and therefore sometimes as a result we end up making a right mess!

I am 32 years young and I have decided to reinvest my time in myself. Not because I am selfish or arrogant or egotistical. No…I have decided that as part of my self-preservation I will love me first always so I can love others better. I will know when I need to say yes and no, and how to reason and be rational.

For me, I have been very fortunate, that I have some amazing friends. My inner circle is secure and supportive, feeding each other in intimate ways.  But the most important relationship, other than the one I have with God, is the one I have with myself. Even in a relationship, we can not fully give, unless we are in-love with ourselves. I therefore encourage you to take time, to nurture you. You are a whole person and not incomplete. You may have made mistakes and fallen down. Dust yourself off and get back on that bike.

You are amazing and do not need anyone else to confirm that or validate it, without knowing it yourself.  False confidence and ego will shatter in the storm. Build who you are and know what you are worthy. Love yourself first always so you can transmit positive, healthy love. Then you will know true love in all it’s beauty. You will feel a re-injection in yourself and if you are in a relationship with your partner, once you both love yourselves from a healthy place.

#NakedEmotions ~MayoandFries 

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